Does your past define you? What therapy actually says

How do we strike a balance between submitting to our past and embracing it as part of who we are? Does the past define or control us? Do we have any agency in how we move forward with our lives, or are things predetermined? These may sound like philosophical or even spiritual questions, but before we delve into that, they direct us to a more personal place—a place where we explore how we interact with the difficult realities of our poor decisions, past pain, and the people and situations that have let us down.

Do we run from these experiences, telling ourselves that, although they exist, we can move forward with strength? Do we cower away and protect ourselves? Or do we commit to confronting these issues and working them out before we move on? These are powerful questions, but there has to be a balance.

There are likely components of all these approaches that we can use to create lives that are both strong and purposeful, while still compassionate and present. When we bring ourselves forward to engage with the world, we often believe there are rules of engagement. This is true—social rules and dynamics are essential to human development and the functioning of society. Without explicit and implicit rules, individuals and communities break down.

Where we run into trouble is in how we interpret these rules. Do they mean we are banned from experiencing our inner world, or do they mean we need to create boundaries so as not to damage those important structures that exist? The second option is likely closer to the truth. What this suggests is that we can recognize our past, with all the pain and pleasure that comes with it, while also giving ourselves the necessary space to be protected from intense feelings.

We can find moments, activities, and relationships that help us process these emotions, while still being strong and purposeful about moving forward. There is no point at which we must lock away our past or submit to it and lose agency. Rather, we must learn how to manage and integrate it into our present and future.

A fully integrated person is someone who carries all their experiences—good and bad—and allows themselves to listen genuinely to their own thoughts and feelings. This gives us the strength, as one of my clients recently put it, to “stop thinking about what I should say and start saying what I’m thinking.”